Emo Gal...

I seriously do not know what is wrong with me...

Maybe it was the weather, stupid hot & stuffy weather, or was it because of health problem.

Since I came back from Genting Highlands, from the leader's camp, my throat's been uncomfortable.

Or maybe it was the things that I've gone through last year...

A friend asked me how have I've been this two years yesterday, and I find that I can't really recall anything except for the recent depressing happenings in my life. (So, I'm really sorry if I bored him...) I know that there are exciting things that I've been through for the past years. Argk! I think I've got to get my head checked.

I also think I really got a problem...

I sounded so okay when everyone asked about my dad...maybe it was because I don't know how to handle his death. Living in denial and all...

Everytime people send condolenses, I just casually shrugged and said, "Yea...it was ok... We've been preparing for it..." and stuff like that. My parents had separated some years ago... I can live for a fact that my dad no longer live with us. But to know and to have to live for a fact that he is no longer living was just so hard, disregarding him being an irresponsible husband and father.

Sometimes I wonder why I still cry and mourn for him... Personally, I wanted to give him a good smashing for making my sister and I to go through such pain and for betraying mom. But seeing him looking so fragile... I just can't do such a thing. Well, even if he is well and alive...

Mom didn't want anyone to know my dad died. For what reasons... I don't know... so what am I gonna tell people who asked about him? But then again, I've already made my choice. So what if the whole damn world knows?! It's not like they cared!

So sorry to those people who sincerely cared for me if I became reserved. The truth is I just wanted to find a place to truly hide. If possible...I just want to die but I've too much to live for and too much to give up. Everyday I lived as if he has never existed but I can't lie to myself. I wouldn't be here in the first place. I wouldn't have met great friends... Friends in church... Yvonne, Irene, Jenny, and friends I came to know like William (thanks to Adrian), Elaine, Chugan, Liew, and a lot more.

Even though I'm in pain, I know and I had to keep reminding myself that there is a BIG GUY way up there looking out for me lest I strayed away... Yea, the only Father I have left after dad left us.